Musicians jokes, Some old, some new..........


A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician."

She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."



Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.



Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A: A tattoo



Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?

A: The Defendant



Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?

A: Their personalities



Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?

A: Drool



Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?

A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.



Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?

A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.



Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?

A: About three decibels



Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?

A: Drive-by trombone solos



Q: What is another term for trombone?

A: A wind-driven, manually-operated pitch approximator



Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?

A: On or off



Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?

A: A bad oboist can kill you.



Q: Why do people play trombone?

A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.



Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?

A: A music critic



Q: What do a banjo solo and premature ejaculation have in common?

A: You know they're coming and there's nothing you can do about it.



Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?

A: That's the banjo player's Porsche.



Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.



Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?

A: The policeman



Q: What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the band?

A: The drummer



Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.



Music: A complex organization of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is abhorred by the audience.



Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk," says Milton.

"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Michael asks. Milton says, "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."